December 6, 2022
I have four kids. So nights out with my husband are a rare occurrence. That’s why it was troubling when, on a recent date night, I couldn’t stop sobbing through our entire dinner. I kept trying to find the words to explain how utterly and terrifyingly exhausted I was.
Overextended. Fried. Burnt to a crisp.
We were both alarmed at this intense emotion because I’m not exactly a crier. I was raised in a family (and frankly, a society) that values productivity and work above all else (including feelings). And at work, I lead a team of technologists at a Fortune 100 company – not exactly a touchy-feely environment.
But I couldn’t control the emotions that were pouring out of me. I knew I needed to explore where this was coming from and what needed to change.
Then I came across this quote in an article, which showed it wasn’t just me:
“It’s the only time I’ve ever seriously considered a less demanding job. I interviewed for a job with another company. I just felt burned out so often. I probably cried more days than not. I felt caught in the middle of everyone’s emotional responses. I had to be the voice for a lot of different people, some of it was my job and some of it wasn’t. It was the hardest working year of my life” – interviewee in McKinsey’s Women in the Workplace study
The state of women in the workplace
This, and other sentiments like it, were collected as part of McKinsey & Company’s latest Women in the Workplace study released in September 2021. It validated so much of what I was feeling. It showed that while women are playing critical leadership roles as they help teams navigate a global pandemic and racial inequity, much of it is going unrewarded and unrecognized. And it’s taking a toll…
The study includes some great, tangible, actionable advice for companies for how to address the gender and racial inequity in workplaces. (I’ve added a few ideas of my own at the bottom of this blog).* It also covers the systemic and societal issues that must be addressed for women to continue to thrive at work.
(A worthwhile investment – BTW. People don’t realize the very many actual business and cultural benefits there are to having women in the workplace. To quote Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, getting this wrong is a “Big mistake. Huge.”)
Back to my breakdown….
I started to be more open with peers, friends, and family about what I was feeling. That led to some very real, beautiful (and heartbreaking) conversations.
It was painful to hear so many strong, capable, frankly boss-ass women that I know, wanted to quit too. And if they weren’t entirely ready to throw in the towel, they were stuck in that no-mans-land of languishing – somewhere between depression and thriving.
But at least we were not alone. The connection and camaraderie of these conversations were healing.
Through our open sharing, I started to reflect on how I was able to reverse a slow, almost unnoticeable extinguishing of my light; a total and complete burnout.
I call it my “Great Re-Callie-bration” and wanted to share for anyone it may help…
- I rested. I listened to my emotions and my body and made time to rest. We live in a society (and I grew up in a family) wherebusyness = worthiness. I grew up in a home where my parents worked hard. My mother worked (more than) full-time and then opened a small business as a “hobby.” Family time was spent working. Rest happened only through exhaustion. There were no “days off.”
- I reclaimed my power. I unpacked what was holding me back. I spent time alone with myself and my thoughts. I asked myself some deep questions about possibilities and limiting beliefs. Then I mind mapped it on a huge sheet of butcher block paper. Here was one of my personal break-throughs:
- Fear of not being able to support my family. We’re a single income household where I’m the breadwinner. Unbeknownst to me, that slowly began to choke my creativity and willingness to take chances. I find joy and fulfillment out of being creative and the learning that comes from doing new things. Without those, I had lost my joy. Unpacking that fear and thinking through what would happen if I lost my job gave me the ‘knowing’ that I, and we – my family, would be okay.
- I reconnected with my purpose. For me, the prompts were – “Why am I so ambitious?” and “Why do I love to work?” In addition to the personal joy I get from learning, I find deep purpose in making an impact on the individuals I get to work with – and unlocking their genius. In the words of @LizWiseman, my mission is to make work a meaningful and fulfilling place for others, to push employers to make work a more human place, and (at the risk of sounding cliché), to have a positive impact on the world. It’s why I love working in healthcare…because I believe we can and should do better. I captured those truths in a “personal mission statement” and it’s something I share out loud with my organization. Not because I think it’s perfect, but as a way for me to hold my center and to invite others to help me evolve it over time.
- I reignited my creativity. I did a lot of reading and reflecting. Who was Callie outside of work? It was my daughter who inspired me here – she started writing songs and it reminded me how much I loved to write when I was her age. So, I started writing, small things at first – a gratitude journal, reading poetry again, and now a dabbling blogger – writing this for you (but also for me!) because it’s what I love to do.
To recalibrate means “to change the way you do or think about something.” The world had fundamentally changed, and I had not changed along with it. Life is a continual evolution where we have to embrace the change that comes our way, constantly finding new footing, new muscles, and new boundaries to keep us whole.
* Beyond the powerful guidance McKinsey shares, I believe companies should also:
- Reward and acknowledge employees when they exhibit empathy, collaboration and intuition as much as when they are direct, competitive and assertive.
- Embrace truth tellers. Build intentional mechanisms by which you listen to the words of those courageous enough to speak up and speak truth.
- Don’t placate with platitudes. If you appreciate your team and care about their well-being, back up your talk with action. Be like Nike; they took their own advice to “Just Do It.” Instead of more “tips and tricks” for helping their burned out employees, they gave them a week off for mental well-being. (Also see: Sara Blakely and the plane tickets). Actions speak louder than words.
